Holding on to you

When I did wake again I was lying in another strange room, hooked up to a machine with an annoying beeping sound in my ears.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

I tried to sit up, but I was pushed back down again. I turned to give the person an irritated look but stopped when I saw Killian. I felt confused for a bit, but then everything came rushing back to me. I thought he would have been mad at me, but he just smiled.

“Hey there beautiful, how are you feeling?”

That was the question of the year. How was I feeling? Hmm… let me guess, well, everything hurt like a motherf**ker, I felt like I’ve been run over by a steamroller twice, manage to get away for a while before it found me and finished the job.

I was hurting in places that I didn’t even know I could hurt, but it was nothing compared to the death pain that I was feeling earlier, so all things considered I guess I was feeling ok.

“Not as bad as before, so that’s a plus… What was wrong with me?”

I expected him to tell me that I had some crazy infection that only ever happens when women run away from him. I even expected him to get mad and shout at me for disobeying him, what I did not expect was for him to sit next to me with a sad look on his face.

I’ve never seen Killian look sad before, so it was scaring me to see him look so lost. I started panicking. If Killian was sad it could only mean one thing… I’m dying!

“Ohmygod! What is it?! What did the doctor say, am I dying?! I’m dying, aren’t I? Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod!”

I was full out ranting, the beeping sound on my machine started going wild. My heart was beating fast and my vision got blurred.

Doctors and nurses came running into the room to see what was going on, they all tried to get me to calm down, but I wasn’t having any of it. I started hyperventilating, my throat closed up and my lungs refused to work.

Just as I was about to pass out I felt soft lips touched mine, lips that I knew all too well, instantly my heart rate return to normal and my breathing improved. Killian pulled away slowly and I opened my eyes that I didn’t even know that I had closed.

He smiled at me, but the sad concern look was still evident in his eyes. However, before I could start freaking out again, he reassured me that I wasn’t going to die anytime soon.

“Red, you’re not going to die and even if you were I wouldn’t let you.”

I nodded my head, feeling relief, but if I wasn’t dying why was he being all nice and looking at me with sad eyes.

“Something’s wrong, Killian, I know it. Please, just tell me what it is?”

The nurses and doctors all left the room except for one doctor, he stayed back. He looked at Killian as if asking his permission to talk, but Killian shook his head. The weird secret thing going on between them started to freak me out.

“What the hell is going on!”

Killian held my hands and softly caressed them, it started to relax me a bit, but I was still on edge. The main fact that he was acting gently after I ran from him told me that something serious was wrong.

“Baby, you had a miscarriage…”

All I heard was the word miscarriage, everything else faded into the background. I just stared at him and then the doctor who was giving me sympathetic looks, they both had to be lying. I would have known if I was pregnant, and besides, there’s just no way I could have been pregnant, I was on the pill.

“No, you’re mistaken, I wasn’t pregnant, I would have known, I would have taken better care of myself. I wouldn’t have let my baby die!”

The realisation that I let my baby die hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest. I curled up into myself and started shaking, my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest and the hole refused to close up. I started crying so hard that I felt like I was choking on it.

“Ohmygod! I’m a bad person! I-I killed m-my b-baby!”

I was chanting that last part to myself as I shook from the pain. If I thought I was in pain before, it was nothing compared to what was taking over my body. My heart and my very soul seemed like they were upset with me for being an uncaring bitch who killed her unborn child.

A deep loss took over me for a child that I never knew about. I felt empty inside and guilty that I didn’t know that I was pregnant. I should have known, what kinda woman lets her baby die?!

Killian crawled onto the bed with me and gathered me in his arms. I wanted to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. I don’t know why he didn’t hate me because I hated me. I hated me very much.

“Shh, baby, it’s ok, it’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok, I promise.”

I didn’t believe him and I was angry at him for lying to me. It was never going to be ok ever again!

How was I supposed to live knowing that I couldn’t take care of myself enough to keep my baby alive? How was I supposed to go on like everything was okay when deep down I knew that it wasn’t?

I was angry and I wanted to lash out, I wanted somebody besides myself to blame, so I took my anger out on Killian. I pushed at his chest and when he refused to move, I started beating on it.

“THIS. IS. ALL. YOUR. FAULT!!!”

He let me take out my frustration on him, all the while he just agreed with me that it was his fault.

“I know baby, I know, and I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry, Lilly.”

The doctor excused himself and left us alone, I don’t know how long we stayed like we were but, at some point, I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, Killian wasn’t there but my brothers and my parents were.

I sprung up from the bed and rubbed my eyes to be sure they weren’t playing tricks on me. I was confused, they weren’t supposed to be there, they were supposed to be keeping a low profile, and standing in my hospital room smiling like a bunch of idiots was definitely not keeping a low profile.

“What are you guys doing here?”

Liam started to answer but my dad cut him off.

“We’re here to take you with us.”

Take me with them! I couldn’t go with them; I couldn’t leave Killian like that a second time. I don’t know when I decided that I was going to stay with him, but I knew in my heart that I’d never be able to leave again.

“I-I… I’m not leaving Killian.”