Love for the Librarian

Without a response he leaves the library. I look at him trying to contemplate where this leaves us. I guess I am going to have to wait for tomorrow to know the answer to that question. Grace runs up and hugs me. “Can we go somewhere now? You promised.”

I look down at her and give her my best smile. “Of course sweety. Then we are going back to our new house and we are going to have a long talk. Mommy has something very important to tell you. Grown up stuff.”

I see her eyes light up. She likes to be treated like an adult. “Grown up stuff?”

“Yes, very grown up stuff.” I give her a knowing look. I can tell she likes it. I give her my hand so I can take her to ice cream and then we will have the talk about daddy when we get home.

At the ice creamery I get her a cone and watch as she eats it enthusiastically. She keeps telling me how grown up she is. I am happy that she is excited. I just hope that this all works out well in the end. He says he wants her in his life. That is just going to have to be enough right now.

We walk back to the house, hand in hand. She is so excited to have her grown up talk she is practically running me down the street. When we get there she goes straight to the living room and does her best big girl stance. I sit next to her and take a deep breath ready for anything.

“First off I want you to know mommy made a big mistake. I did something that I shouldn’t have and it is making things a little hard right now.”

She looked at me with big eyes. “Mommy you don’t do bad stuff.”

“Usually no, but this time I did. I told you something that wasn’t true.”

“You lied.” Her eyes got big and she was almost holding back tears. God, I am crushing my daughter’s image of me as we speak.

“Yes, bug I did. You remember today when you met Mommy’s friend Mr. Matthews?”

“Yeah, I don’t like him.” She gets a little sour face.

“Why bug?”ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

“He made an angry face at you.”

I give a big sigh again. “Well mommy kind of deserved it. You remember when I told you that you didn’t have a daddy?”

“Yeah.” Now I can see the wheels working in her head.

“That was the lie bug. I know where your daddy was. He is mad at me because I didn’t tell him that you were here. He wants to meet you tomorrow and talk to you about it.”

Tears are now coming down her cheeks. “So, I have a daddy?”

“Yes, bug. He wants to see you very much.”

She gets up and runs to her room. I don’t know if I should try to comfort her or if I should just let her have some time. I mean I am the one that screwed up. She is just a little girl trying to deal with the fact that her mommy lied to her, her whole life. Even when she would beg me for a daddy, I would lie and say she didn’t have one. To her this is a big heart break.

I decided to try to comfort her. I go to her room to see her sitting on her bench with a teddy. “Are you ready to talk, bug? Or do you want me to go away?”

“Why did you lie mommy?”

I swear it is a stab to my heart to see my little girl this sad. “Well, we lived a long way away. He had school here, like mommy had school there. I didn’t want to make problems. I didn’t think that he would be able to come live with us, because he has another baby that he takes care of.”

“Who?”

“Your daddy adopted a little boy, his name is Riley, he is a little bit older than you. He loves him very much. But you know what?”

She looks up at me. “What?”

“He loves you already so much. That was why he was mad at mommy. He wants to see you so bad. He was just waiting for you to know that he was your daddy. Are you ready to see him tomorrow?” I ask her because ultimately this is her choice too.

“Is he going to be mad?”

“No, he is not mad at you, bug.” Now I am concerned with the image she has of her father.

“He can’t be mad at you either. I don’t like mad people.” She makes a scrunched angry face.

“I will tell him.” I give her a little smile.

“Can I talk to him on the phone?” Her whole face has changed. She is expectant. She doesn’t want to wait until tomorrow.

“Sure, let me talk to him first then I will get you the phone. How does that sound?” I give her a smile.

“Ok.” She smiles back.

I turn from her and retrieve my phone. I dial up Dylan. He has to be home by now. He picks up after the second ring. “Hello.”

“Hey, Um. so Grace wants to talk to you on the phone. Is that alright?” I can hear the birth video playing in the background.

“Yeah, of course.”

“One more thing. She said you can’t be mad, she doesn’t like mad people.” I try to keep my voice as neutral as possible. I am breaking talking to him.

“I am not mad at her.”

“She knows that.”

“Oh, she means you.” His voice gets soft.

“Yes.”

He takes a deep breath. “Riley, I get it but at the same time I am a bit pissed. I will tell her I am not mad though. I don’t want her to hate me right out the gate.”

“Alright, here she is.”

I hand the phone to Grace. She takes it greedily. I can tell she is happy. She has the one thing that she always wanted, a daddy. “Hello… Yes, I am happy to have a daddy… please don’t be mad at mommy she didn’t mean it… I know it was bad, she is sorry… I am excited to see you tomorrow… Can you bring my brother too?… Can mommy come?… Ok, Bye daddy, I will see you tomorrow.” She hands the phone back to me. I can see that Dylan is still there so I put the phone to my ear.

“You guys work everything out?” I ask him.

“Yeah. She is just like you isn’t she?”

“Yeap, she is a regular mini me.” I can’t help but smile. He is talking to me almost how he used to.

“I will meet you guys at the library. I want to talk to you first. In private. Then I will take Grace out to the park. Does that sound good to you?”

“Yeah.” I can barely get it out. He didn’t say anything about me joining. Well at least he is going to have a relationship with her. That is what matters the most. I can accept my screw up.

“Then I will see you tomorrow.” He is all business. He ends the call with a quick bye. There is no ‘I love you’ this time. God I really screwed this up.

I try to keep a stiff upper lip, but really I am dying inside. I don’t think he wants me anymore. It is painful to think about. I try to not let Grace see the sadness in me. It must work because she doesn’t say anything. Or she is too busy talking about what her and daddy are going to do the next day. I am glad that she is happy at least.

After her bath I put her to bed and she asked me one last question, “Do you think Daddy will live with us?”

I don’t really know how to answer that right now. I guess the best way is to be diplomatic. “I am not really sure right now sweety. We will see. Let’s give daddy some time to get used to this whole thing ok. Plus he has to think about Riley too.”

I think she is ready to go to sleep then she pipes up with another question that I don’t have the answer for. “Why did he name his son after you?”

“I am not really sure, bug. Maybe that is something you can ask him tomorrow. I am sure he wants to let you know everything.” I give her a smile and then tuck her in her bed.

“Ok mommy. I can’t wait to meet daddy tomorrow.” She flashes me a big smile.

Again I lay in bed sleepless. My mom tried to ask me how it went today but I really didn’t want to talk about it. Thoughts of today were flashing in my mind. The look on his face was something that I am having a hard time dealing with. He is never going to forgive me.