Unwanted Heat

Theodore and Cara immediately engage in conversation about a fashion design class that Cara is currently taking. I gather from the conversation that she has had a difficult time deciding what she wants to do with her life. I envy her; her parents seem to support her as she takes different classes rather than pushing her in a certain direction or worse not supporting her in furthering her education at all. I’m surprised that Theodore seems genuinely interested in Cara’s description in her last class the other day despite the fact that I’m sure Theodore could care less about fashion design.

A couple of hours and far too much delicious dessert later, Nicholas and I say our goodbyes to his family. Cara and I have exchanged phone numbers, having confirmed our shopping plans later this week for next weekend’s charity dinner that we will both be attending. Austin, Nicholas and Theodore discuss an upcoming baseball game that they are going to in a few weeks.

Vivienne immediately suggests I join her and Cara for a girl’s day at the spa when the guys go to the game. I give a non-committal answer promising to check my schedule, not because I don’t want to spend the day at a spa (who wouldn’t?) but because I don’t know how Nicholas wants me to respond. We hadn’t discussed our arrangement overlapping with Nicholas’s family life or how he would feel about me spending time alone with them. I’ve already agreed to shopping with Cara later this week, so I don’t want to commit to anything else without talking with Nicholas first. Vivienne accepts my answer without blinking an eye which I’m thankful for.

“I told you that you had no reason to worry,” Nicholas says as Carter drives us away.

“It went much better than I thought it would,” I admit.

“Can I ask you something?” he requests after a few minutes of silence.

“Okay, sure,” I’m not sure what to think about the uncertainty I hear in his voice.

“How come you don’t drink? I mean, you drink, of course, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you have more than one drink when we’ve gone out. Do you not like to drink?”

“It’s not that,” I sigh realizing that Nicholas is right-I haven’t had more than one drink of alcohol anytime we have been out together. “I hadn’t realized that… I guess old habits die hard.”

“What do you mean? Did you… do you have a problem with alcohol?”

“No! Gosh, no. I’ve only ever been drunk once and that was freshman year in college. I drank way too much at a fraternity party and spent the night with my head over the toilet bowl. That was the last time I ever got drunk.”

“Then why only have one drink?”

“I…” UGH! I can’t imagine what Nicholas will think when I tell him the real reason I limit myself to one drink. Unfortunately, I can’t come up with a good enough lie and even if I could, after how open Nicholas was with me on the boat last weekend, I don’t know that I want to lie to him. “It was one of the rules.”

“Rules?”

“He… Image was important to him; he believed I was a direct reflection on him. He would… pick out my outfits, order my food and basically control everything when we went out. There were a lot of rules: what I could talk about, who I could talk to and how much I could drink. Even though I had never been drunk around him, I was only ever allowed to have one drink when we were out.”

“Kenzie… I don’t know what to say. You don’t seem like the person who would just let someone control their life like that. I mean-”

“No, I get it. Trust me, I’m not the person I was when I met him. I’ve grown a lot in the last two and a half years. I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the person I was back then. Today? No, I wouldn’t let someone control as much of my life as he did. This… this arrangement with Bridget? I had to think long and hard about it because not only of my safety but also because to some degree I knew I would give up some control. I knew there was a chance that I could be with someone that would pick out my clothing for events or who would tell me what I can and can’t talk about or to whom. But, to me I was willing to pay that price because it was only over a very small part of my life. It was no different in my mind than wearing a uniform to work. I’ll never go back to that type of control; I will never allow someone to control my every move the way he did.”

“You deserve so much better than that, Kenzie. I hope you realize that.”

“I don’t know what I deserve… but I know that I don’t want what I had.”

“Someone really did a number on you growing up, didn’t they?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t see… you don’t see yourself.”Belonging to NôvelDrama.Org.

“Sure I do-”

“You don’t, Kenzie. If you don’t recognize that you deserve better than that asshole, you don’t see the wonderful person you really are.”

“I may not know what I deserve, Nicholas, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that history will never repeat itself. I will never allow someone to control my life like he did or treat me the way he did.”

“I’m glad, really I am. I just wish… you could see… who you are,” Nicholas sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “Who told you that you didn’t deserve any better than that asshole growing up? Who led you to believe that someone wouldn’t love you?”

“I… I… I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I panic, trying to push away the memories that are threatening to take over. “Please… leave it alone, Nicholas. My childhood wasn’t a happy one, I didn’t grow up in a nice house with loving parents who cared about what I did every day. Just forget about it.”

Fighting the tears that are threatening to spill out, I turn away from

Nicholas and stare out the window. I can feel him watching me but I don’t turn back to him. It’s bad enough that he knows even a little about him; he doesn’t need to know everything else too. I can’t open myself up to him, to tell him everything when he has the power to end our arrangement and walk out of my life at any moment. He knows enough; he doesn’t need to know everything.

The elevator ride to the floor of my apartment is quiet with neither Nicholas, Carter or myself saying anything. I’m not mad at Nicholas for asking about my childhood but I just didn’t expect him to be able to read me so easily. It’s as if he could see right through me: as if he could see parts of me that even I can’t see. I don’t know why he cares whether or not I think I deserve better than him. Isn’t it enough that I swore I would never end up with someone like that again?

“Kenzie, I’m sorry. I over-stepped and I didn’t mean to upset you,” Nicholas apologizes as we stand awkwardly at the door to my apartment.

“It’s not you, it’s me. There are certain times of my life that I just don’t like talking about-”

“I get it, really I do.”

“Thank you for inviting me to dinner tonight, I had a nice time with your family,” I desperately need to change the subject before things become even more uncomfortable out here.

“Thank you for coming. I know my parents were glad you came as well. I believe Bridget has been in touch about this week?”

“Yes, the business dinner and then the charity dinner over the weekend.”

“I’ll have to check with Melody, but I think there is something next week too.”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Good night, Kenzie and again I’m sorry that I over-stepped earlier; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Before I can respond, Nicholas surprises me by kissing me… on the lips. I’m caught so off guard I swear I just stand there trying to make sense of the fact that his soft lips are against mine. I’m just about to wrap my arms around him when he pulls back from me. He places one last quick kiss on my lips before turning around and walking back to the elevator where Carter has been waiting with his back towards us. With a heated face, I unlock the apartment door and turn off the alarm. Rushing to the master bedroom, I take a quick shower, change into a pair of pajamas and head to bed. Surprisingly sleep quickly finds me, although I have to force myself not to keep thinking about how Nicholas’s lips felt against mine or to think about why he kissed me tonight how he did.

Flashback

“You’re such a fucking liar! I know you were with him today; I know that’s why you’re late!”

“No, I swear I wasn’t. I… I left school late, I had to talk to my teacher-”

SLAP

“Don’t lie to me! Why did you need to talk to your teacher? Did you do something wrong?”

“No. He asked to see me about working on the school newspaper.

He wanted me to write an article-”

“That’s a lie! All you ever do is lie! You’re just like your mothera fucking liar who is good for absolutely nothing! You’re going to end up just like she did: alone and miserable. No one will ever love you; no one will ever put up with your lies. You will never amount to anything. I’m done. I knew the moment I was called about you that you would be nothing but a piece of shit like your mother is. You’ve caused me nothing but problems since you came here. I’m calling tomorrow, I want you out of here!”

“I’m… I’m sorry. Please… I didn’t mean-”

“You didn’t mean what? To ruin my life? Well congratulations, you have! Yet again I’ve had to clean up your mother’s mess and I’m fucking tired of it! Get the fuck out of here. I don’t want to fucking see you again!”

“Ow!” I yelp in pain as I wasn’t fast enough to dodge whatever she threw at me that just hit me in the back.

“Get the fuck out of here! Stay in your room the rest of the night. Don’t you dare come out for dinner either. You’re not getting anything tonight!”

She’s throwing things down the hallway as I desperately try to make my way to my small bedroom. It’s nothing more than a closet that they put a small mattress in on the floor; my clothes are hanging on the rod above me. It’s tiny and dark, but I don’t mind, for in here I know I’m safe. She never comes in here. I scream as something else hits my back when I stop to open my door but don’t turn around to see what it was. I throw myself into my room and close the door quickly behind me. I turn on the small lamp that sits on the floor next to my mattress. When I pull my shirt off I’m not surprised to find blood already on the back of it.